Tuesday, 4 July 2017

From The Heart: Thirteen Reasons Why Not

     Hey. It's me. Felicity. Felicity Rose. Live and in writing. No hate No critiques. And definitely no judgement. I am here to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, how my life *almost* ended.
     The rules are pretty simple. One: you read. And two: if you're brave enough, use this image (with credit) and share your story. Hopefully neither one will be easy for you.

     I have been bullied relentlessly all my life. I been in Hannah Bakers position, feeling empty. Like nothing. Like I don't care anymore. I went through an extremely dark suicidal phase last summer. I remember saying, "When will Jesus take me?" I remember cutting my arms with a shaving razor multiple times. I remember singing, "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables. It was a horrible period in my life but I am out of it now, and for the most part I am thriving. I do have bad days every once in a while.

     Instead of telling all the stories about why I want to die here are Thirteen Reasons Why I have wanted to end my life. I am not calling out one single persons but some of you who read this may have said one of these comments to me.

1. You're like a knife in my heart.
2. You were born on the street because that's where the accidents happen.
3. If you weren't you, I would never have loved you.
4. Maybe she's a crack addict and that's why she needed the money so badly.
5. You just flaunt your illnesses fort attention.
6. If you don't believe in Jesus, you'e going to go to hell.
7. You're so full of shit.
8. I will find you and kill you you little motherf-er.
9. Asian Indian people are so ugly, especially with that red dot on their forehead.
10. If you don't like it here, why don't you just leave?
11. Why do you talk so funny?
12. Are you anorexic? Let me send you to a clinic because I don't believe you when you tell me you aren't.
13. You're the bitch who tried to steal my boyfriend and then mentioned me in a monologue.

And here are 13 reasons why I haven't.

1. Jesus's plan for my life isn't over yet.
2. My sisters Jessica, Nathalie, Marcela, Jaimi, Hope and Hannah.
3. My girlfriend Bree.
4. My Psychiatric Service Dog, Bella.
5. My parents.
6. My therapist Nina.
7. My friends Brandon, Mark, Jessalyn and Bree.
8. All the places I haven't explored.
9. All the food I haven't tasted.
10. All the people I have yet to help as a future Psychotherapist.
11. All the dances I have yet to choreograph and the plays I have yet to be in.
12. The experiences of walking across the stage at my college graduations and starting a family.
13. Giving up is NOT an option.
Your story isn't over yet. Have faith to continue. It will get better...I promise.

~ Poodle
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P.S. A year ago yesterday started the 10 day suicidal phase I mentioned earlier in this post. I thought it would be pretty fitting to post this today.

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