Wednesday, 14 February 2018

From The Heart: Love Yourself This Valentine's Day

"The most important relationship in your life is relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself." ~ Diane Von Furstenberg

     It doesn't matter how much we care about and love the people in our lives unless we are our whole authentic ourselves, we will keep filling the absence in our life through relationships. Some of us, like myself, unconsciously place expectations on others what I would like to have filled in for myself. This is not healthy as it may become an emotional burden to others and create some destructive behavioral patterns. Here are five thought provoking and insightful questions to think about when it comes to self-love.

1. We must first be happy with ourselves in order to make others happy.
     Some people say that entering a relationship can help elevate our mood and get us out of an emotional rut, but that is, unfortunately not true. Sure, the high we get from entering a new relationship can get us out of a rut, but that is only a temporary fix.. That high we get when entering a new relationship is not real happiness, it’s oxytocin (aka the love hormone). And that high we get that drives us to do sweet things for our partner is not going to last unless we are truly happy with ourselves.

Now ask yourselves these questions:
     - Am I happy with myself?
     - Am I able to independently make myself happy? 
       - If not, what do you feel is missing? 

2. We can only give what we have in ourselves.
     One important lesson I’ve learned over the past year is that I can only give out what I have, like a vending machine, so to speak. If me, the vending machine is out of something, it can't give it out to people who need it. Because of this we need to feel whole and complete as much as we can. This can come from learning what our Shadow Self is, what Soul Loss is, and finally how to Retrieve ones' Soul. Finally understanding the three phenomenons linked above have helped me learn to see that unless the person I’m interested in is whole and happy with himself, that person will not be able to give back the kind of love that is whole and happy after the love hormone has run out.
     We can only give love, if we have love within ourselves. We can only give compassion, if we have compassion for ourselves. We can only be understanding towards others, if we have understanding towards ourselves. We can only accept others, if we have accepted ourselves.

3. We see the world through the person that we are.
“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.” ~ Ana├»s Nin

     We see the world through the lens that we wear. When I say that, I mean we see the world through the lens we are through our faith, mindset, attitude, morals, and personality traits. We must understand that people are different and others may see things differently than us depending on how they grew up.
      For example, my mum grew up in India where a womans monthly cycle, sex etc is a very taboo topic while for me, growing up in America and in a different century, talking about your period or sex seems like casual conversation. Because of how those topics were viewed when she grew up, it made her very uncomfortable to talk to me about those things.
     It's still natural for us to see things as we are. As a result, we attract what we are. So if you want to change whom you attract, you must first change yourself.

4. We attract what we are.
Continuing on with the point above, we attract what we are. So before you go through your list of must-have qualities in a partner, first ask yourself whether you harbor the traits yourself.

     - Do you expect your partner to be fit and active, but you yourself are a slob?
     - Do you expect your partner to be hard-working, but you yourself are lazy?
     - Do you expect your partner to be happy and positive, but deep down you’re actually a bitter and
       negative person?

      Sure, some traits may be complementary as too much of one same trait could backfire. Traits that compliment your own can create balance and support one another in a harmonious way
For the longest time, I was attracted to people with mental illnesses, the past three serious relationships I've been in, the one main thing we had in common was mental illness. I wasn't attracted to people with mental illness in a fetish way - it just happened that I was looking for company with people who understand me. I guess the old psychology saying, "Misery loves company" comes into play here. But now that I'm older and single for the time being, I know now that, yes, I do want someone who understands my struggles with mental health but I do not want to date someone who has the same problem as I do because we could potentially be triggers for each other (as I found out with a long time friend of mine).
But, before you go looking for a relationship, it’s important to ask ourselves whether we’re ready to become a good partner before asking for one.

Ask yourself these questions:
    - Are you ready to become a good partner? 
    - Do you have in you what you expect to receive? 
    - Are you ready to give in order to get? 

5. To attract love that is whole, we must first heal our wounds.
     We all have ideals and dreams for the kind of love that we want in our lives. But the idea of our perfect love is never perfect because no one is perfect (except for our Lord, Jesus Christ). We all grew up wounded in some ways, some of us have more emotional baggage than others. Some people have taken the time to look inward and do some inner work to heal themselves while some have jumped from one love to another only to realize you have been attracted to the same kind of wounded souls (I'm very guilty of the latter).
     At one point in your life, you will become tired of it; tired of being attracted to the same kind of wounded souls. Stories that end in a similar way. You may find yourself internally asking, "what is wrong with me?" If you ask yourself that question more times than not, you might realize that the wound the person you’re attracted to has is similar to your own deep wound. That’s why you keep being drawn to it.
     In order for us to stop stepping into the same pattern, walking the same old role, we must find the fork in the road and choose the road less traveled. This will help us recognize the pattern and break it when we feel ourselves entering the same path we are naturally drawn too. We must first look inward and become conscious of the unconscious. We must ask ourselves deep questions that are not pleasant to ask or think about.

Here are some deep and slightly painful questions to ask yourself:
     - What is my childhood pain? 
     - How is my childhood pain making an unconscious effect in my day-to-day decision and
       attraction in life? 
     - How does being with someone with the same childhood pain comfort me? 
     - Has this person with the same pain healed their wound and become happy and whole? If not,
       how is this person’s childhood pain affecting their relationship with themselves, others, and their
       romantic partner?

     Taking a look at your partner’s and ex-partner’s wound might help you recognize something in yourself.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.“ ~ Carl Jung

     If you enjoyed this post don't forget to give it a +1 on Google+, follow me on all my social media sites, and let me know what you would like to hear about next. I apologize if this post sounded like another "life lesson" but it was a) the perfect time to post it and b) it was something that needed to be addressed. I love you all. See you next month!

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